Dealing with Divorce

 Whether it begins with a trial separation, or moves directly to divorce, the break-up of a marriage is a difficult and painful experience for everyone involved, especially for children, even under the most amicable of circumstances.

While mom and dad may find themselves deeply questioning their own life choices, their child may be quietly questioning how they may have contributed to their parents’ parting. Their reactions may include anger, depression, anxiety, loss of sleep, as well as fear of being separated from mom or dad.

Some kids seem to have an almost infinite capacity to take the cares and responsibilities of their parents’ relationship onto their own shoulders, all too readily blaming themselves for whatever difficulties their mother of father may be facing, especially when it comes to marital disagreements or troubles.

Their behaviors, sometimes obvious, sometimes subtle, can often change. A child who once may have enjoyed sleepovers with friends or going away to camp may suddenly become a reclusive homebody, refusing opportunities and invitations to engage with their friends or the world.

Others react by seeking to spend as much time as possible away from their familiar surroundings and parents, associating them with pain and struggle. They flee, feeling estranged and even betrayed by a life that had once been a source of security and identity.

Other fall into depression, or struggle with bouts of anxiety that replace their smiles and laughter. Or they may regress into behaviors and attitudes they once seemed to have outgrown…not unlike what their parents may experience in themselves or in each other during a divorce.

So what can a mom or dad do to help their child cope, given that their parents are going through a profoundly difficult time?

First, let’s face it: no one is a saint. No one is immune to the pain, challenges and uncertainties a separation or divorce can visit on a family. Especially not children.

So even though mom and dad are moving through some of the most potentially stressful periods of their life, they still are somebody's mom or dad, and must try to find a way to help their child through it, even if they themselves feel as if they are not getting much help from friends or life.

Should your child rage, do your best not to take it personally, even when it is directed at you. Try to give yourself the space and time to recognize this as much and as often as possible.

For it is better that they release the tension they are feeling inside than bottling it up, which often proves far more damaging in the long run.

Also, do not seek the emotional comfort from your child as a way to cope with your own pain. Seek friends or counselors for those needs, and reserve as much of you as you can to offer comfort, understanding and whatever reassurances you can to your child.

Try, as much as possible, not to pit yourself against your ex, forcing either overtly, or covertly, your child to choose sides. It is easy to do, and may even seem wholly justifiable, given how poorly adults can behave during these times.

Should it be possible, seek out counselors who can help as you and your child make the transitions that the break-up of a relationship can cause.

Let your child’s school know, as appropriate, so that his or her teachers and deans will know the likely stress your child may be feeling.

Reserve, if at all possible, a special, regular time to be with your child in which he or she can be assured of your presence and your ready ear. Together and over time, you can develop ways in which you both can address the changes in both your worlds.

That said, hearing what they have to say may be upsetting, but these are nevertheless the kind of steady presence a parent can provide. Remember, they may be expressing their pain, and your steady response may well be the true reassurance they seek.

Separation and divorce are very large issues to deal with life, filled with layers of complexities. These are admittedly but a few facets of all the myriad difficulties that can arise when parents part. In future, we look forward to addressing more of them.